When it Stings, Sing

Sometimes the right words are hard to find. 

It's not always easy to speak your mind.

Especially if you want those thoughts to be well received. 

There's always a chance the listener gets deceived.

And when I speak or when I write, but the same words are repeated...

Some might think that's superfluous and should be deleted. 

But if instead you sing,

the chorus is where you say the same thing. 

Over and over you express the same feeling

and you can ask, do you hear what I'm dealing

with. The ways that I'm reeling

The things I wanna stop concealing

The things I've wanted to start revealing

Sometimes I don't know how to say things with the right expressions,

whether it's the right words, facial cues, or inflections.

Sometimes I wish people could read my mind, 

good intentions is what they'd find.

I hope they don't think they have to read between my lines, 

I want only to be honest and genuine. 

So perhaps what I need is a song,

that's sung from the heart with a voice trying to be strong.

I'd let it all out - the good, the right, and the wrong

and then I'd be able to express what I've been meaning all along. 

Wishful Sinking*

A cute three-year old looked me in the eye

and said, "your eyes are weird"

I love who I am now, but it still stung

Then you came over, a relative of the little girl

to find out what she said

and she repeated, "her eyes are weird"

And you laughed at her innocent comment**

But I wish

you had said something to remind me my eyes are beautiful

you had said something to teach her my eyes are beautiful

I wish

"Oh, I think you're talking about Joyce"

My Korean American friend was apologetic as she said it 

a careful voice I have also borrowed in these sorts of situations

when someone mixes you up for another Asian American girl in the room

and then you will try to sweep away the obvious awkwardness of the moment

and discreetly hurl - as far away as you can - the pain of being mistaken

even though there were only 6 people total in the group

even though we had different hairstyles and stories

even though even though even though

and just like that, everyone moved on***

But I wish

someone had checked in on us later to see if we were doing okay

the one who misspoke & misremembered had taken time 1-on-1 to apologize

the host of the gathering had followed up with the one who'd publically hurt us and expressed to us that she had our backs

I wish

And I wish 

I could say all of these events only happened in my childhood

    as if microaggressions stop happening after you turn 18

And I wish

I could say that these events took place with strangers

    but they happened in the homes of people who say they love me

And I wish

I could say that this happened with people who don't profess a faith that compels them to love people deeply and radically - just as I have professed

    but I guess checking off a box that says Christian doesn't automatically teach you empathy, action, and how to actually live like the Good Samaritan 

And I wish

I wish I wish

How long will you ask me to keep wishing? 

How long will you watch and remain silent?

As I fall down - and try by myself - to keep standing up again

Again

Again

Notes from the Author:

*I originally wanted to name this something more provocative. You can personally ask me about it if you're a curious one. :)

**When the child said this to me, I was honestly so shocked I think it showed a little on my face. I know children are innocent, and that they can be shaped by adults they trust, so in my response, I wanted to model to this little one what self-acceptance and self-love looks like. There was really no context to her statement about my eyes, as we were just playing with toys. I looked back at her playfully and said, "I think they're beautiful!" to which she said again "your eyes look weird". I think she would have kept saying it if the relative didn't come over. Unfortunately, the relative didn't say anything and that definitely stung even more. A few months later, I was interacting with this same child and she was talking about her own eyes being a different color from her siblings who all had the same eye color. It was a memorable conversation for me, because we talked about how all of the eyes were beautiful, how they were all just different. Not better, not worse, just different AND beautiful.

***In this situation, we had all just met and given self-introductions maybe 10 minutes prior. I totally understand that mix-ups happen and everyone had shifted to sit in different places in the room since the ice breakers happened. This kind of mix-up hurts so much, because it is a reminder that "you are just another *insert group identifier name* - I don't have the mental capacity to remember you as your own unique individual". The crazy thing is that it seems like it doesn't matter how small the group is, how few people total that require remembering on a team, or even how long you've been involved in that group, it will still happen.  

I want to note that I have had to take time again and again to process these events. Not necessarily by choice, but just because the memory will pop up and I'll be forced to address it again. Random moments might remind me of when these things happened and then connect to other microaggressions I experienced when I was younger. While I might want to bury these memories forever, it often is not possible. It would be dishonest of me to say that the microaggressions I have experienced don't bother me anymore. They will always bother me, because they didn't unfold in the way I wished for. However, they don't haunt me like a nightmare, but more like something I can recognize has happened, may likely happen again, and move forward knowing I can name my own worth in the eyes of Our God - in a world that will always fail to. I can simultaneously be disappointed in people for not being better advocates and love them for the way that they do overflow kindness to my life. There's no "either or", it's "both and". 

Psalm 617

I will not ask You, "why?"
when things do not make sense
or go as I hoped.

But I will ask You
to never leave my side,
to Hold me during the tears,
to Guide me through the sojourn.

That
is all I ask.

Haikus | 12

You chose Brooklyn bridge
Like I choose you as my bridge
You're my #andwhysea

Haikus | 11

I still love seeing
How you treat others kindly
You are my (re)treat

Syncing Ship

The more
that you tell me you love me
the less
that I can bring myself to tell you it back

I realized
that though we think in sync often
we do not
match in one way which matters most

I hate
the pain produced in me
when you
speak uninhibited

I am wearied
by your words when you are tired, annoyed, impatient
each time
you expect me to excavate your expression

You are happy
to learn and to grow with me
I am disappointed
to find this flippant flaw in you

You will
unknowingly and unintentionally
hurt me
again and again and again

I love
when you tell me you love me
but I
cannot tell you it back, right now

Haikus | 10

L is for your laugh
Sexy and so scarcely heard
When it's me and you