Soul Deep

"You're so awkward."
             I used to hear that phrase, a lot. But that was years ago, three winters ago to be specific. Back when I wasn't comfortable at school, at home, at church, nor in my own skin. Awkwardness defined me, or at least that's what I was taught to think. I know my friends said it jokingly and the others around me said it through their actions, but to me it seemed to hold a certain truth. And that "truth" of awkwardness settled deep in the chambers of my heart. 
             But now, two summers passed, I can say with certainty that I've changed, I've discovered the essence of confidence. I've become selfless for the selfish, discovering that in helping others I in turn help myself. Above all, I don't want anyone else to believe the lie I believed. Who I truly am and who I was made to be is to use my past pain to help other's present pain.
            I believed in the depths of my heart that awkward was what defined me. When all this time, that lie was only trying to cover the truth that I have a lot of love to share with people. And finally, I have shared that love genuinely, wholeheartedly, without holding back. Yet, still after months of silence, it comes back.
             "You're so awkward."
             And it's hard, it really is. I can't keep ignoring the lies. That little phrase - so distant, yet so familiar - flutters restlessly in my heart and still cuts soul deep.

Corruption

is a sand castle
being disintegrated
one miniscule grain of
sparkling sand
at a time.

It is a small speckled pebble
on a hillside
at the verge
of falling over the edge
and plunging straight down.

It is a child
once innocent and pure
with a desire to tell his first white lie
to get rid of the sinking weight
of cookies in his stomach.

It is inevitably nearing,
simply a sad sight to see.
Something once beautiful -
now broken -
leaving us empty and silent.

Let Down

Accident this, unfortunate coincidence that.
I move on along, you just stay put.
Pulling the strings, pushing me away.
One step forward, and another one back.
Getting nowhere, opposites don't attract.

Plans fall apart,
everything goes wrong.
Petty excuses formulate, 
nothing is ever right.

At the end of the day,
I'm not sure what you value,
anymore.

And frankly, I'm tired of it.
Cause when push comes to shove,
you're always just a let down.

On the Move

Life
is everchanging, evershifting, evermorphing.

Every moment that escapes us
contributes to the vastness of nonuniformity.

No constants, no straight lines, no clear directions.
Not even the contrast of black and white.

Just
a long walk
down a winding road
that twists and turns
and never stops for a rest.

Forgotten & Forlorn

He forgot who I was,
lost interest, losing interest.
A gap in the savings that I'd poured into long ago.

And awkward
is what I'm left to make out of it.
An awfully awkward ending
to a perfectly promising beginning.

That spark of hope,
that fuse of potential
was slowly stifled out.
Into this.

One Trip from Falling

When you've got everything, it feels like there's nothing to lose. Because in the moment, it's easy to forget how elementarily simple it becomes to lose everything you once had. 

And I wish I had that principle, wrapped around in my head, to keep me from this demise.
But now I'm, one small mistake, one trip on the slightest pebble, away from falling. Falling all the way down.
And everything I once had seems like nothing, worthless. Because when one stitch fell out, the rest came unraveling apart.

Then, at the end of the tunnel, I realize that all along I had everything I needed, more than enough. But the memories are in the past now, the passed. Perpetually fleeting and flitting away from reality.

When Everything Falls In Place

I once heard of a 20-year old Mayan man who was born deaf, never aware that there was such a thing as language. He lived his whole life in a murky daze, thinking that the movements people made with their mouths was some kind of alien way of communication they'd made. That day he realized the concept of language, that he'd lived nearly two decades in vain, he was moved, moved to tears.
            His story is the essence of life change. The way I imagine the man felt is the way I feel. Something that I thought made sense, I now realize was only a small piece of the truth. And now, the sun seems brighter. The songs seem livelier. And the smiles are happier.
            If only I'd known earlier, I think. But now that I know, this is the best feeling ever. And I'm glad I'm feeling it.